Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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