It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
