Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
