I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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