Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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