Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
