I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
