sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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