Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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