my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
