3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
