i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
