I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
