If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
