i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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