And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize