You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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