just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
