i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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