its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
