This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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