That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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