he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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