Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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