My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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