I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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