so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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