this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
