I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
