It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
