I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
