That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
