How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
