I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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