Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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