The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize