I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
