OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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