Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
