there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
