Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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