i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
