Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Randomize