I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
