I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
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