I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How naked do you want me to be?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
