I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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