having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
