I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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