Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
