Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
