Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
