I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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