i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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