I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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